Wednesday, November 19, 2008

New Poem:


She burst onto the scene, heavy
With jazz dripping off her promenade,
All a-swish with gin and smoke,
And those hoop bracelets swinging,
Pulling in boys hot to trot,
Slicked back geeks hoping for a peek
Behind her white framed shades,
And a flash and a thrill up their legs
To take home.
One, two, three, four,
Each step sang a far out note,
So that even stiffs dropped politics,
Skirts and fags drew a jealous breath,
And no one dared look away
While she cut a line through the crowd,
Crossed that red rope barrier,
And left us,
A melody fading in the air.

By Jay Fuller


Jay said...

I don't like the line, "And no one dared look away"--it's so simple, redundant, and cliche'. But it's sort of needed for the cadence. I wanted to add the onomatopoeia, rhythmic line, "Chikita ching, Chikita ching ching" but it also seems a little cliche' and I couldn't find a place for it. Maybe it would work in the place of "And no one dared look away"? Thoughts?

Kate said...

I liked it a lot. I definitely had an image in my mind.