Thursday, March 5, 2009

Promise to Self:


All right self, it is time to level.

Every time I am scheduled to open up the store, it requires that I get up at 8 in the morning, so I go to bed at 12 am.

But every time I am scheduled to open the store, I go through a period of manic depression, which consists of panic attacks and suicidal fantasies, insomnia that does not resolve until about 5 or 6am or never, and general anxiety.

I had already promised myself I'd see a physician, but I broke that promise because I finally had a good week. However, I'm afraid the cycle is starting again.

SO LISTEN UP, SELF. I AM MAKING A PROMISE.

Either I make an appointment with a physician OR I put in my two weeks notice OR both.

I am leaning towards putting in my two weeks notice. Because, goddamnit, I want to be a writer. And I thought I could take up a part-time job and write on the side. But I've found that all I do is sleep and work and relax on the two days I get off.

SO THIS IS A DECLARATION OF CHANGE AND A PROMISE TO MYSELF:

I have to hit writing hard. And I'm not going to stop until I come out the other end either as a person who can make a living as a writer, or as some kind of penniless substance abuser staring down the barrel of a shotgun. And while more often than not, those two things are one and the same, I will try my hardest to end as either one or the other.

5 comments:

Tracy Lightfoot said...

Eh, they put me on an SNRI a couple of years ago and everything leveled out. I can sleep like a normal person and even talk on the phone without having an anxiety attack. It's neat!

Mack Ramer said...

What is it that stresses you out so much about the job?

You should consider going to a temp agency and finding a less stressful position, if you intend to keep a day job. You're a college graduate, there are a lot of options out there available to you that are better than working at Blockbuster!

SuiginChou said...

I'll keep my support brief and list-like for now. Do you:
* need to seek medical advice? Yes.
* need to quit working at Blockbuster? Probably.
* need to practice writing more? Yes.
* need to practice writing music more? If you want to. If so, then yes.

Mike said...

Call me to discuss since I'd rather not leave my thoughts here.

Jay said...

Thanks for the concern and kind gestures! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I don't know why I stress about it. When I get to the store, things are usually fine. It's the anticipation of the work that kills me for some reason. All the worrying --getting there on time, hurrying up to get the paperwork done and the store open, rushing to the bank to make a deposit, working entire shifts by myself, all for little more than minimum wage --just weighs me down and makes me anxious.